Up to #3 on "The List"

Congratulations to Doug & Rebecca on the arrival of Grayson Lawrence on April 16th. He is so cute!

With the arrival of Grayson, that moves me up to #3 on "The List" of people having babies. Only Kelly and Jenna to go and then it's my turn. CRAZY!

I think the denial of having another baby is starting to wear off. This week I got the incredibly strong urge to go register and so we did on Thursday. I actually started getting excited looking at all the baby stuff. I still need to go back and finish - having 3 kids and a husband with you really slows down the process and they all started getting warn out.

Also, the nesting instinct has kicked in big time this week. I attacked the girls room the other day. Cleaned out their closet, dressers (Chrissy I have a lot of clothes for you!) and organized all their toys. Whew! Was that a lot of work but, boy, does their room look good.

Then I finally had the energy (or so I thought) to move Evan's room downstairs. I told Kurt "just get the guest bed out of that room and move Evan's bed down and I will move all the rest." Kurt had a design he was suppose to be working on but after I took 2 trips up and down the stairs, I was exhausted and he came to my rescue and moved the rest. Evan is doing great being the only one sleeping downstairs.

Now I have started accumulating baby things in Trevor's room. That sounds so weird - "Trevor's room."

The pregnancy is going good. He seems to be a quiet baby. He isn't a crazy kicker or anything. Most of the time I have to stop and think "have I felt him move lately?" and then sit and wait to make sure he is moving. Which he always does but it is more gentle and "rolley" than kicking. He is a stretcher too. He likes to just slowly stretch out a body part and then curl it back up.

Here is a shot of my 31 week belly:

I didn't realize that I hadn't taken belly shots for 7 weeks. Wow! That time slipped away. Only 9 weeks until my due date. I always go over so I am sure it will be a bit more than 9 weeks but our countdown is into the single digits!

Life is still crazy.

* Staples did in fact lose everything on our computers so I have nothing. Still trying to figure out how to fix that and get a handle on our bookkeeping - especially our accounts receivable.

* Kayla is sick again running 103 fever since Sunday. Today she started with no fever but has slowly increased all day back up to 102.6. I am taking her to the dr. tomorrow if she still has it.

* We are having a really hard time getting back into school work. This week the girls had STAR testing (which Kayla missed) so luckily we didn't have work for a few days.

* The dog is on his 4th ear and skin infection and we have another appt for him on Monday.

Exciting news:

* Kurt has signed more work! Woo hoo! We are now booked a few months out. Amazing! Such wonderful blessings!

* I applied to enroll the kids in a new charter school starting up this fall. Evan has been accepted but the girls are on a waiting list. Hopefully they will get in. I just don't think I will be able to homeschool 3 kids (1 being a kindergardener and needing undivided attention), run a business and take care of a new baby. May be just a bit too much so hopefully this school will work out.

Life is just cruisin' along. One busy day after another. I could sure use a few more hours each day to keep up on things but I guess it will all get done when it gets done.

Birthday Issues

So today is my birthday . . . and I could really care less. Isn't that bad? All week the kids and Kurt have been asking me what I want for my birthday and I honestly just don't know. Nothing.

I have been feeling blah the last few days building up to my birthday. I have never had issues with my birthday but this year I just don't know.

I think it has mostly to do with my mom not being here.

It could also have something to do with that fact that:

1) I feel fat and everything hurts. My legs, my back, my stomach, my hips. And not to mention, that I feel like I can't breathe half the time and I still have 11 long weeks til this baby is born.

2) I only have 11 short weeks before this baby is born and I have not even started thinking about getting ready. I have bought nothing. Nada, zip, zero, zilch! Luckily I have had friends dropping off baby gear but it has just been piled in the downstairs bedroom. I haven't even had the desire to go through things yet.

3) I am still trying to get caught up with missing 3 weeks of work. Plus, we took the office computers to Staples to have some clean up work done because they were really slow and, just to make life more fun, Staples computer system crashed taking my computers with it. Now I may have lost my whole accounting system. Awesome, uh?

But mostly I think it has to do with my mom. I don't get upset thinking about all those other things but as soon as I think about my mom, the tears threaten and some even spill over.

Someone called to wish me a happy birthday this morning and I didn't answer the phone. I have never done that before. I feel like a melt-down is hiding just below the surface and one "how are you doing" and I will just fall apart because apparently, today, I am not doing good. I don't know. I just wish I could sleep all day. I guess I am just having "one of those days" and it will pass.

So . . . happy birthday to me!

My Mom ~ Feb. 26, 1948 to April 6, 2011

Where to start?

3 weeks ago today my mom was at a dr. appt talking, walking and just being my mom. She didn't feel great but she was here. Who would have thought that 2 weeks later to the day that she would be gone?

None of us, that's for sure.

She has been gone for a week now and I still don't think I have fully grasped the reality of that. I can't believe it has been a week. I am sure that I am still in some sort of shock.

Yesterday we had her funeral. It was beautiful! The service was nice. I made it through giving the eulogy with only a few teary moments. The weather was amazing. We had a luncheon afterwards that was very nice - thanks to all the help we received from friends and family.

As hard and crazy as the last 3 weeks have been, I don't think they could have been any better. We had time with my mom to share and say goodbye, she didn't suffer and linger long, she had a beautiful service. Considering the situation, it was as good as it could have been. I will forever be grateful for that blessing.

Now life has to find a new normal. We have to find a way to deal with the hole that has been left in our hearts.

If you're interested, here is the eulogy I gave:

First I want to thank you all for being here today to celebrate my mom’s life and remember with fondness the way she has touched your own lives. I am certain that she is not far from us, and looks over these proceedings with great joy and tenderness. She would also want all who are here to feel great peace and comfort in the knowledge that life truly does continue beyond the grave, and that love shared between family and friends never dies. I also know that my mom would want this service to be light and cheery so I will do my best to make that happen.

After these services you are all invited back to my parents house for a luncheon. We hope you all can come as we would love a chance to speak with each one of you. There are directions in the back if you need them.

I would like to begin by reading a poem titled:

Gone From My Sight

by Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"
Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

I know that as we said goodbye here on Earth, that in Heaven they were jumping for joy and shouting “here she comes!”

When I unexpectedly returned home to the kids last Wednesday morning after staying at my parents for 3 days to help care for mom, the kids asked “is Grammy ok?”

My immediate response was to shake my head no. But I quickly realized that was a very earthly, a very mortal answer. That in God’s plan, Grammy was more than just ok so I quickly changed my answer to “yes, Grammy is ok.” And she is. In fact, she is better than ok. My mom has returned to her Father in Heaven with honor after a wonderful Earthly mission.

We sat on the couch and explained to the kids that there was a big celebration in Heaven as her family and friends welcomed her home and congratulated her on a job well done.

I believe it was Hailey who asked “Is Max there too?” (Max is our dog that passed away 3 years ago) and we said “yes, Max is there too licking Grammy to pieces.” This seemed to help all the kids feel a little bit better. Grammy was with Max and Max was with Grammy.

We also told them that we would see Grammy again. Some day we will each have a turn to return to Heaven and we asked them “who do you think will be the first person in line to give us a hug when we get there?” They all smiled and said “Grammy!”

And if I know my mom, she will probably be close to the first, if not the first, in line for each one of you too for she loved each of you so much. To know my mom was to be loved by my mom. She loved everyone and you could feel it by just being with her.

My mom was an amazing person. She was an amazing wife and mother, and she got to live an amazing life. She was born to Arthur and Gertrude Hammond on February 26, 1948 in Long Beach, CA. Her and her brother Richard grew up on the beaches in Southern California.

In 1970 she met my dad at a party that neither wanted to attend. But fate stepped in and they both went and in 1972 they were married. They were married for 5 years before yours truly joined their family in April 1977. In 1978 they moved from Southern California to Northern California where they have made their home for the last 33 years and made some incredible friendships. In October 1982 Bryan joined and completed our family.

Over the years, my mom and dad were able to travel all over the world. They were able to go to Switzerland, to Alaska. They were able to see the Pope in Rome. They took a Mediterranean cruise where she found her favorite place of all - Portofino. She loved it there! Not only did they get to go to all these amazing places, they were able to share them with some amazing friends; many who are here today.

She taught me and my brother many things. She taught us to be honest. She taught us to be kind. She taught us to care of others. She taught us to pray. She taught us how to express our love for others. She taught us to be happy and look for the best in people and situations. She didn’t teach us these things by telling us to do them. She taught them to us by the way she lived her life; she taught us by example.

Plus, my mom was a lot of fun! I am sure you all have stories of having fun with my mom. I would like to share a few of my favorites with you today.

When my brother and I were about 7 and 12, we rented a Nintendo game where you were an airplane and you had to land on an aircraft carrier. We were getting frustrated because we couldn’t do it. Neither of us could figure it out. My mom came in and asked what we were doing and we explained the object of the game. She asked if she could try. We thought this was funny because my mom was not the most gifted with technology or video games. She took hold of the remote and started pushing all the buttons and to our amazement, she landed the plane perfectly on her first try. She handed the remote back to us and said something like “well, that wasn’t too hard” and walked out of the room. Bryan and I looked at each other and started laughing like crazy. We have laughed over this several times during the years as we thought it was so funny.

Another time we went camping and both my brother and I were able to take a friend. We had a girls tent and a boys tent. During one night a huge thunderstorm came over the camp ground. There was lightning and thunder right over us and it was pouring rain. In the girls tent, we got scared and decided to go to the van for safety. We couldn’t figure out how to get out of the tent and that led us to getting the giggles. Once we managed to get out of the tent and into the van we started telling scary stories and freaking ourselves out. We laughed so hard and had so much fun.

I also asked each of my children their favorite memory of Grammy.

Evan said playing with Grammy. He loves how she used to get on the floor and play cars with him. He has a “city carpet” and they would drive around for hours. I came home one day and they were both laughing hysterically. On the city was a lady sitting on a bench and they had come up with a game where Grammy would say “watch out for Boo-Boo Betty” and Evan would “accidentally” crash into her and they would just laugh and laugh.

Hailey said her favorite memory of Grammy was having a tea party with her. They would get my mom’s real, fine china tea set out and put juice in it. Then they would go outside and drink their tea and just sit and talk.

Kayla said her favorite memory of Grammy was spending the night one night and they were swimming after dark. They had the pool light on and were sitting on the steps in the pool just talking and hanging out together.

It is memories like these that we will keep close to our hearts and remember Grammy.

Family was very important to my mom. She loved to do Sunday dinners. We loved Sunday dinners too, not just because of the delicious meals she always prepared, but because of the love she also brought to the table.

My mom was an amazing person. I have used that word a lot today - amazing. I don’t know a better word to describe her.

My dear mom lived her life well and she continues to live inside each of us. She will forever be in our hearts. I love you mom!

Sometimes Life is Hard . . . But Keep Counting Your Blessings

Ok, so I won't lie - life is hard right now. Really hard. It seems like most of my "worlds" are out of control, I am not sleeping good (as you can tell by these 2 posts being at 3 and 4 am - I've been up since 2) and feel like I am just barely hanging on. (I am actually doing better than that sounded). I am trying to remain positive and not get depressed or overwhelmed or completely lose my mind and I am doing this by counting my blessings. When I start to get upset (like today in the middle of the produce department), I start listing the things I am thankful for and it really helps. So here are some of my blessings:

1. First I am grateful for my amazing mom. She is the best mom - always loving and kind. Anyone who has ever met her has loved her. She is an amazing role model for me and a huge blessing in my life. (See next post for an update on her).

2. Heavenly Father - I know He is there for me. I know all my strength is coming from Him. I am so thankful that He is aware of me and my life and my needs. I know that all these blessings have come from Him and I am truly grateful!!

3. My husband - wow! I can't even tell you what a great husband I have. He is always there for me. Holds me when I need to cry, motivates me when I need to be motivated, makes me laugh (even when I really don't want to). He truly is my sanity right now.

4. My amazing kids. I honestly have to say that I think I have the best, most amazing kids. Sorry - they're all mine. =) These kids are such troopers! They have had a frazzled mom lately and what do they do? They are always saying: "mom, what can I do to help?" or "mom, look what I did without you even asking me!" or "mom, I just want to hug you." Truly awesome kids!

5. Trevor - he is such a huge blessing. I have to say that honestly, since I am not sick anymore, I forget all the time that I am pregnant. With so much going on, I just forget. That is until my body starts hurting and telling me I am doing too much or when he starts kicking and squirming. Then I put my hand on my stomach and tell him how much I love him, how much he is wanted and how special he is.

6. My immune system - When the girls were so sick I just kept praying "please don't let me get sick" and I didn't. Such a huge blessing. And now, Evan is getting sick (hopefully just a regular cold) and I keep praying the same thing, "please don't let me get sick." And so far, my immune system is winning (knock on wood!). I am so thankful for a healthy body.

7. Work - so while this is also a huge source of stress, I am so thankful for the jobs we have right now. Kurt has signed 8-9 jobs in the last 2 weeks. HUGE BLESSINGS - every single one of them! We both know this and we are both extremely thankful.

8. Food - sure there are more take out containers in my fridge right now than left over tupperware ones but I am thankful for the food that we have to eat. I am thankful for the fruit and veggies that I have to eat. This was a hard one because all I want to eat right now is junk but I am very blessed to have healthy, fresh produce in my fridge that I can eat any time I want.

These are just some of my blessings. I am getting tired again - it is almost 5 am now - so I should go back to bed. I feel better having (once again) listed some blessings.

Thank you Heavenly Father for these and all the other blessings in my life!

An update on my mom

So my mom is having a hard time right now. But you would never know it if you asked her. Her response is always "I am feeling better." Even when you can tell by her voice that she isn't, she will say "I am feeling better. I just need to get past this and I will be all better." She is not one to complain - a nurse even told me one day "Linda wouldn't complain if her big toe was on fire" and she truly wouldn't.

About 6 or 7 weeks ago we noticed that her balance was a little off, she seemed to get confused and her speech was a little slow or she couldn't find the right words. It wasn't extreme but we were watching her, trying to figure out what was going on. Then one day she called me from mag (she still goes every other day for 4 hours of magnessium treatment) and told me the nurses didn't want her driving home. I had Kurt drive me down to the Infusion Center where I sat with her for the remainder of her treatment and had them explain to me what happened. Apparently she came in and wasn't herself. She was way off balance and her words were slurred. The nurses, being extremely worried, took her straight down to her dr. so her dr. could see her behavior. They were thinking that she had had a stroke or something. The dr. ordered an MRI of her brain and blood work to see what was going on. The MRI came back perfect. Nothing wrong. The blood work showed that her calcium levels were high and, apparently, high calcium levels lead to confusion, balance problems, etc. They said that there are meds she can take to lower the calcium levels. Ok, so her mag is low - she can take mag for that - and her calcium is high - she can take a med to lower that. So all should balance out, right?

We went to the dr. appt in February thinking that that was the case - just add the calcium reducing meds to her treatment and everything should be ok. Well, I guess calcium doesn't work that way. The calcium going up is a sign that the disease is progressing. So while there are meds they can give her to lower it, the fact that it went up is not a good sign. And boy, can you tell when that calcium is off. Poor thing would get so confused and loopy. But the meds would do their job - after a day or so we could tell that her calcium level had come back down and she was herself again. At the February appt the dr. also switched her chemo. The PET scan showed that the cancer was still contained in the liver but it was more active than they wanted - meaning the chemo wasn't doing it's job. Another sign that the disease is progressing. The dr. told us over 3 years ago that there would come a time where the chemo just wouldn't work any more and she was thinking that we might be at that point but she wasn't ready to give up and switched the chemo to try something else. This is when my mom asked if she was still going to be around for Trevor's delivery and the dr. said she didn't know. Slap in the face - didn't see that one coming.

So for the last month we have waited to see if the chemo was going to be able to turn the disease back around. And during that month we have watched my mom struggle to be herself. The confusion has come and gone but every time it goes, it seems to leave a little bit behind. She is very aware of what is going on but she gets confused and can't remember things or fully comprehend things. And she sleeps a lot. And she feels sick a lot.

We went to the dr. yesterday (Wednesday) and found out that the new chemo isn't working either. Her numbers show the disease is continuing to progress. Which we basically knew just by how she had been feeling and acting but it is still devastating to hear.

It just breaks my heart because she never complains. She sits there listening to the dr. and I am not even sure how much she is fully understanding and she says "if I could just go in the hospital for a few days and get some medicine, then I will feel better again." But not this time mom. Man, how I wish there was some medicine to make her feel better - I would do anything to get it. But there's not.

And then the dr. starts saying things like: Hospice, home care, pain management, hospital bed at home, oxygen, when to take her to the hospital/ER and I start thinking "holy cow - this is really happening." She is letting us know our options should we need them but what? I really don't want to hear any of this.

Then we start talking about her safety because with her balance being off, we don't want her falling when someone isn't at home. Or when she gets really confused, we don't want her doing something to hurt herself. So today (Thursday) I went and spent the day with her. She slept most of it but we had ice cream together at 10 am because that is what she wanted. Have I mentioned that she never complains? I could tell by her breathing that she was hurting and I asked her if she needed any pain meds. She just simply says "ya, I think I will take some now." Her liver is now enlarged and it causes her pain but she never complains.

I am no where near ready to lose my mom. I don't even know how to deal with that but I really don't want to see her suffer either. All I can do is love her, be there for her, spend time with her, help her feel safe and secure and pray to Heavenly Father that he will take care of her. He knows whats best for her. I can be a tool in His hand to do whatever it is that she needs. That is my mission right now.

Family Fun

This weekend we were lucky to have Jared here visiting for a bit. He has a seminar this week in Tahoe and so he was able to fly out a bit early to spend time with his CA family. We didn't get to see Jared for about 6 years and then in the last year we have been able to see him 3 times. It has been fun to spend time with our VA family. He flew into Reno, which is about 1.5 - 2 hours from our house. Unfortunately, he picked a very stormy weekend to come and it took him 5 hours to make the drive. We are so grateful for his willingness to make the crazy, snowy drive and especially grateful for his safe travel!

He arrived at about 6 pm Friday and we spent the evening with April, Margo and her family. Then Saturday we spent the day together too. Even though Margo is so close, we hadn't seen them in awhile to it was nice to catch up with everyone. Then this morning (Sunday) Jared made another crazy, scary, snowy trip to Tahoe. I think Jared has had his fill of snow driving for awhile.

And wouldn't you know it - I didn't get one picture of everyone together. What a slacker I am!

* * * * * * * * * * *

About 2 weeks ago we took a family drive. Kurt had found this road a few years ago and we hadn't traveled it since so we thought we would explore it again. Kurt remembered it having a lot of waterfalls so we thought this would be a good time to go. And it did not disappoint.

The waterfalls were right off the side of the road.

Kayla did her usual protest of not wanting to go but, as usual, as soon as we got there, she had a great time! And she got ahold of the camera and took a picture of every single drop of water she saw! It was so cute. And we got a ton of photos. Here are a few:

Then at one spot we found a cave to go in. At first the kids were hesitant but once Daddy went in and proved it safe, the rest of us followed. It was a lot bigger than we thought and went a ways back in. The beginning part had a low ceiling and so we had to hunch over to walk through. After a little bit, my back and abdomen muscles started screaming "hello . . . remember we have an extra 15 pounds hanging out front?" and so I turned around and sat out front. Farther into the tunnel, the ceiling rose up and Kurt could walk upright.

At one point you have to cross the river on this really old bridge. It is kind of a funny bridge because it moves so it is kind-of scary but we made it across no problem.

We took a trail down to the river. The kids found stacks of rocks piled up and wanted to make their own stacks.

More water:

Family Picture:

We came out through Foresthill where there was snow. The kids were dying to play in it. It lasted about 2 seconds since the girls had on flip flops but at least they got to touch it.

Gotta love having family fun!

Happy St. Patrick's Day and our past week

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!

The joys of having older sisters that put funny things on you in stores!

Good thing he's a good sport!

I tured 24 weeks yesterday and I swear my stomach has popped out in the last week. I bump it on everything! All of the sudden it just seems to be in my way all the time.

I gained 5 pounds this last month. This is definitely going to be my heaviest pregnancy. Usually I loose weight at the beginning and they tell me to eat, eat, eat. Not this time. From the very beginning (even though I felt so horrible) I have gained the exact amount I was suppose to every month. Except last, when I gained 5 instead of 4. Oh well.

Our last week has been filled with this:

And lots of this:

And this:

Last Thursday Hailey came down with 103.5 fever. She ran between 102 - 104.2 til Sunday when it went away. Then it came back Monday afternoon. I took her to the dr. and the dr. thought she was starting to develop pneumonia so they put her on antibiotics. She is doing much better now. Kayla started the fever late Sunday and has been down ever since. Her fever broke last night at 11 pm and (FINGERS CROSSED, KNOCK ON WOOD) hasn't come it back. Hopefully we are at the tail end of this nasty bug!

So for the last week, Evan and I have been house bound. The office had to move home so I could still work so our dining room became the office:

I kept Evan home from preschool all week because he had a slightly stuffy nose and I was afraid he was getting sick and would carry the germs to school. The poor boy is going crazy at home. He created a "surfboard/skateboard" yesterday that kept him entertained for awhile.

This is where I drew the line:

And let's not forget poor Cody. With 2 of his playmates out of commission, the poor dog is getting a little bored too. Yesterday he wouldn't leave me alone. He just kept begging me to play.

So that has been our week. I am so thankful that Evan, Kurt and I have managed to stay healthy. FINGERS CROSSED, KNOCK ON WOOD

Hopefully we stay that way!