Sometimes Life is Hard . . . But Keep Counting Your Blessings

Ok, so I won't lie - life is hard right now. Really hard. It seems like most of my "worlds" are out of control, I am not sleeping good (as you can tell by these 2 posts being at 3 and 4 am - I've been up since 2) and feel like I am just barely hanging on. (I am actually doing better than that sounded). I am trying to remain positive and not get depressed or overwhelmed or completely lose my mind and I am doing this by counting my blessings. When I start to get upset (like today in the middle of the produce department), I start listing the things I am thankful for and it really helps. So here are some of my blessings:

1. First I am grateful for my amazing mom. She is the best mom - always loving and kind. Anyone who has ever met her has loved her. She is an amazing role model for me and a huge blessing in my life. (See next post for an update on her).

2. Heavenly Father - I know He is there for me. I know all my strength is coming from Him. I am so thankful that He is aware of me and my life and my needs. I know that all these blessings have come from Him and I am truly grateful!!

3. My husband - wow! I can't even tell you what a great husband I have. He is always there for me. Holds me when I need to cry, motivates me when I need to be motivated, makes me laugh (even when I really don't want to). He truly is my sanity right now.

4. My amazing kids. I honestly have to say that I think I have the best, most amazing kids. Sorry - they're all mine. =) These kids are such troopers! They have had a frazzled mom lately and what do they do? They are always saying: "mom, what can I do to help?" or "mom, look what I did without you even asking me!" or "mom, I just want to hug you." Truly awesome kids!

5. Trevor - he is such a huge blessing. I have to say that honestly, since I am not sick anymore, I forget all the time that I am pregnant. With so much going on, I just forget. That is until my body starts hurting and telling me I am doing too much or when he starts kicking and squirming. Then I put my hand on my stomach and tell him how much I love him, how much he is wanted and how special he is.

6. My immune system - When the girls were so sick I just kept praying "please don't let me get sick" and I didn't. Such a huge blessing. And now, Evan is getting sick (hopefully just a regular cold) and I keep praying the same thing, "please don't let me get sick." And so far, my immune system is winning (knock on wood!). I am so thankful for a healthy body.

7. Work - so while this is also a huge source of stress, I am so thankful for the jobs we have right now. Kurt has signed 8-9 jobs in the last 2 weeks. HUGE BLESSINGS - every single one of them! We both know this and we are both extremely thankful.

8. Food - sure there are more take out containers in my fridge right now than left over tupperware ones but I am thankful for the food that we have to eat. I am thankful for the fruit and veggies that I have to eat. This was a hard one because all I want to eat right now is junk but I am very blessed to have healthy, fresh produce in my fridge that I can eat any time I want.

These are just some of my blessings. I am getting tired again - it is almost 5 am now - so I should go back to bed. I feel better having (once again) listed some blessings.

Thank you Heavenly Father for these and all the other blessings in my life!

An update on my mom

So my mom is having a hard time right now. But you would never know it if you asked her. Her response is always "I am feeling better." Even when you can tell by her voice that she isn't, she will say "I am feeling better. I just need to get past this and I will be all better." She is not one to complain - a nurse even told me one day "Linda wouldn't complain if her big toe was on fire" and she truly wouldn't.

About 6 or 7 weeks ago we noticed that her balance was a little off, she seemed to get confused and her speech was a little slow or she couldn't find the right words. It wasn't extreme but we were watching her, trying to figure out what was going on. Then one day she called me from mag (she still goes every other day for 4 hours of magnessium treatment) and told me the nurses didn't want her driving home. I had Kurt drive me down to the Infusion Center where I sat with her for the remainder of her treatment and had them explain to me what happened. Apparently she came in and wasn't herself. She was way off balance and her words were slurred. The nurses, being extremely worried, took her straight down to her dr. so her dr. could see her behavior. They were thinking that she had had a stroke or something. The dr. ordered an MRI of her brain and blood work to see what was going on. The MRI came back perfect. Nothing wrong. The blood work showed that her calcium levels were high and, apparently, high calcium levels lead to confusion, balance problems, etc. They said that there are meds she can take to lower the calcium levels. Ok, so her mag is low - she can take mag for that - and her calcium is high - she can take a med to lower that. So all should balance out, right?

We went to the dr. appt in February thinking that that was the case - just add the calcium reducing meds to her treatment and everything should be ok. Well, I guess calcium doesn't work that way. The calcium going up is a sign that the disease is progressing. So while there are meds they can give her to lower it, the fact that it went up is not a good sign. And boy, can you tell when that calcium is off. Poor thing would get so confused and loopy. But the meds would do their job - after a day or so we could tell that her calcium level had come back down and she was herself again. At the February appt the dr. also switched her chemo. The PET scan showed that the cancer was still contained in the liver but it was more active than they wanted - meaning the chemo wasn't doing it's job. Another sign that the disease is progressing. The dr. told us over 3 years ago that there would come a time where the chemo just wouldn't work any more and she was thinking that we might be at that point but she wasn't ready to give up and switched the chemo to try something else. This is when my mom asked if she was still going to be around for Trevor's delivery and the dr. said she didn't know. Slap in the face - didn't see that one coming.

So for the last month we have waited to see if the chemo was going to be able to turn the disease back around. And during that month we have watched my mom struggle to be herself. The confusion has come and gone but every time it goes, it seems to leave a little bit behind. She is very aware of what is going on but she gets confused and can't remember things or fully comprehend things. And she sleeps a lot. And she feels sick a lot.

We went to the dr. yesterday (Wednesday) and found out that the new chemo isn't working either. Her numbers show the disease is continuing to progress. Which we basically knew just by how she had been feeling and acting but it is still devastating to hear.

It just breaks my heart because she never complains. She sits there listening to the dr. and I am not even sure how much she is fully understanding and she says "if I could just go in the hospital for a few days and get some medicine, then I will feel better again." But not this time mom. Man, how I wish there was some medicine to make her feel better - I would do anything to get it. But there's not.

And then the dr. starts saying things like: Hospice, home care, pain management, hospital bed at home, oxygen, when to take her to the hospital/ER and I start thinking "holy cow - this is really happening." She is letting us know our options should we need them but what? I really don't want to hear any of this.

Then we start talking about her safety because with her balance being off, we don't want her falling when someone isn't at home. Or when she gets really confused, we don't want her doing something to hurt herself. So today (Thursday) I went and spent the day with her. She slept most of it but we had ice cream together at 10 am because that is what she wanted. Have I mentioned that she never complains? I could tell by her breathing that she was hurting and I asked her if she needed any pain meds. She just simply says "ya, I think I will take some now." Her liver is now enlarged and it causes her pain but she never complains.

I am no where near ready to lose my mom. I don't even know how to deal with that but I really don't want to see her suffer either. All I can do is love her, be there for her, spend time with her, help her feel safe and secure and pray to Heavenly Father that he will take care of her. He knows whats best for her. I can be a tool in His hand to do whatever it is that she needs. That is my mission right now.

Family Fun

This weekend we were lucky to have Jared here visiting for a bit. He has a seminar this week in Tahoe and so he was able to fly out a bit early to spend time with his CA family. We didn't get to see Jared for about 6 years and then in the last year we have been able to see him 3 times. It has been fun to spend time with our VA family. He flew into Reno, which is about 1.5 - 2 hours from our house. Unfortunately, he picked a very stormy weekend to come and it took him 5 hours to make the drive. We are so grateful for his willingness to make the crazy, snowy drive and especially grateful for his safe travel!

He arrived at about 6 pm Friday and we spent the evening with April, Margo and her family. Then Saturday we spent the day together too. Even though Margo is so close, we hadn't seen them in awhile to it was nice to catch up with everyone. Then this morning (Sunday) Jared made another crazy, scary, snowy trip to Tahoe. I think Jared has had his fill of snow driving for awhile.

And wouldn't you know it - I didn't get one picture of everyone together. What a slacker I am!

* * * * * * * * * * *

About 2 weeks ago we took a family drive. Kurt had found this road a few years ago and we hadn't traveled it since so we thought we would explore it again. Kurt remembered it having a lot of waterfalls so we thought this would be a good time to go. And it did not disappoint.

The waterfalls were right off the side of the road.

Kayla did her usual protest of not wanting to go but, as usual, as soon as we got there, she had a great time! And she got ahold of the camera and took a picture of every single drop of water she saw! It was so cute. And we got a ton of photos. Here are a few:

Then at one spot we found a cave to go in. At first the kids were hesitant but once Daddy went in and proved it safe, the rest of us followed. It was a lot bigger than we thought and went a ways back in. The beginning part had a low ceiling and so we had to hunch over to walk through. After a little bit, my back and abdomen muscles started screaming "hello . . . remember we have an extra 15 pounds hanging out front?" and so I turned around and sat out front. Farther into the tunnel, the ceiling rose up and Kurt could walk upright.

At one point you have to cross the river on this really old bridge. It is kind of a funny bridge because it moves so it is kind-of scary but we made it across no problem.

We took a trail down to the river. The kids found stacks of rocks piled up and wanted to make their own stacks.

More water:

Family Picture:

We came out through Foresthill where there was snow. The kids were dying to play in it. It lasted about 2 seconds since the girls had on flip flops but at least they got to touch it.

Gotta love having family fun!

Happy St. Patrick's Day and our past week

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!

The joys of having older sisters that put funny things on you in stores!

Good thing he's a good sport!

I tured 24 weeks yesterday and I swear my stomach has popped out in the last week. I bump it on everything! All of the sudden it just seems to be in my way all the time.

I gained 5 pounds this last month. This is definitely going to be my heaviest pregnancy. Usually I loose weight at the beginning and they tell me to eat, eat, eat. Not this time. From the very beginning (even though I felt so horrible) I have gained the exact amount I was suppose to every month. Except last, when I gained 5 instead of 4. Oh well.

Our last week has been filled with this:

And lots of this:

And this:

Last Thursday Hailey came down with 103.5 fever. She ran between 102 - 104.2 til Sunday when it went away. Then it came back Monday afternoon. I took her to the dr. and the dr. thought she was starting to develop pneumonia so they put her on antibiotics. She is doing much better now. Kayla started the fever late Sunday and has been down ever since. Her fever broke last night at 11 pm and (FINGERS CROSSED, KNOCK ON WOOD) hasn't come it back. Hopefully we are at the tail end of this nasty bug!

So for the last week, Evan and I have been house bound. The office had to move home so I could still work so our dining room became the office:

I kept Evan home from preschool all week because he had a slightly stuffy nose and I was afraid he was getting sick and would carry the germs to school. The poor boy is going crazy at home. He created a "surfboard/skateboard" yesterday that kept him entertained for awhile.

This is where I drew the line:

And let's not forget poor Cody. With 2 of his playmates out of commission, the poor dog is getting a little bored too. Yesterday he wouldn't leave me alone. He just kept begging me to play.

So that has been our week. I am so thankful that Evan, Kurt and I have managed to stay healthy. FINGERS CROSSED, KNOCK ON WOOD

Hopefully we stay that way!

Congratulations!

I have failed to congratulate the arrivals of our family/friends babies as they have arrived. So . . .

Congratulations to Brian and Lisa on the arrival of Carter Jack on January 10th! He is absolutely adorable.

Congratulations to Kerrie and Mitch on the arrival of Ty on January 31st!

And

Congratulations to Tommy and Brittany on the arrival of Kennedy Noel THIS MORNING at 2 am!! We heard it was a crazy delivery - Kennedy is 4 weeks early - but at last report mommy and baby were recovering nicely. We will continue to keep them in our prayers that everything will continue to go smoothly.

It is so exciting to see all these new little babies join the world!

CONGRATS EVERYONE!