August 29, 2010

I am a dreamer . . .

. . . and by that I mean that I dream at night. Very vivid, detailed dreams EVERY. NIGHT. I guess I have a very active imagination or sub-conscience or whatever it is that causes dreams. Kurt's head hits the pillow and he just wakes up; he doesn't remember a thing between the two.

Not me. I call it my "Night Life". Everyone goes to bed when their day is over but for me it's when my Night Life begins. Kurt usually gets a kick out of my dreams. If I start telling him all the stuff and details about them, he usually says "man, all that happened last night?"

Sometimes they are obviously dreams - flying dreams or unrealistic dreams.

But most of the time they are very real and I can't tell the next morning if I am having a memory of something that actually happened, like going somewhere with a friend, or having a memory of a dream of going somewhere with a friend. I have actually had to ask people "hey, have we ever . . ." because I can't tell if the memory is real or not. It's really bad when weeks or months later something will trigger a memory and then I really can't tell if it was a dream or not. It can be VERY confusing!

Usually I have happy dreams. Sometimes I have "saving the world" dreams. I usually wake up very tired from these dreams and tell Kurt "hey, I saved the world last night, what do you expect?"

Sometimes I have very emotionally charged dreams, like:

During our dating time, Kurt and I broke up for a few months. Sometimes I dream that we break up, either in the dating scene or marriage scene, and I will wake up, either in the middle of the night if it is really bad or in the morning, feeling all those sad and depressed emotions from 12 years ago. I will be really upset and it will take me anywhere between hours and the full day to get over it. So weird! Once I woke up and was surprised to see him in bed with me. I remembered the break-up part but I couldn't remember the getting back together part. It only took me a couple of seconds to realize it had been a dream but still, they were a very confusing couple of seconds! I wake up from those dreams and just hug and kiss him and tell him how much I love him and appreciate him.

I haven't done this in a long time and I don't think it's funny when it happens but looking back I always think it's funny - Sometimes I dream that Kurt and I get in a fight. The next morning I will wake up so mad at him and sometimes I can't even remember what we were fighting about but I just know he made me mad and I try really hard to tell myself that it was really just a dream and to let it go. Well, sometimes I am not so good at that and I will be snappy with him. He has learned to recognize those mornings and will ask "oh man, what'd I do last night?" and we both laugh get a good laugh.

During the first 2 years of Kayla's life I would dream about once a week that that girl drowned. It was horrible! It was always the same events just at different locations. We would be at someone's house for a party and I would see her at the bottom of the pool and I would run as fast as I could only in the dream it would be slow motion where I couldn't get to her. It was horrible! I would always run and leap (in slow-mo) into the water and then I would wake up, never getting to her. I would be so upset when I woke up I would go sit in her room and watch her sleep. It's safe to say that I was a crazy mom with that girl around pools when she was little. She was always 2 or 3 in the dreams but I am still nervous around pools.

Sometimes I can tell what triggered them - a movie that I saw or a story that I read or heard. Sometimes they come completely out of left field and I can't explain them or understand them.

Well, I just woke up upset from a dream and I know exactly what triggered it and I feel horrible. It was a guilt induced dream. This dream really struck home and hit me straight in the heart. My sub-conscience is sending me an obvious message with this one and I deserve it.

This week was very busy for us. Evan started preschool and I started school with the girls and it was just a crazy busy, busy week and I didn't call my mom as much as I should have. In fact I can't remember the last day I talked to her. It was probably Tuesday or Wednesday and I feel really bad about that. She called and left a message today and I didn't get a chance to call her back and I went to bed thinking I should have just taken 5 minutes and stopped everything else and called her but I didn't. I didn't make it a priority and that is just plain dumb. I was, and still am, really upset with myself and that's how I went to bed.

I dreamt my mom was sick and in the hospital and I wasn't visiting her as much as I should. And that just bites! I felt the guilt from earlier (about not calling my mom) in the dream and I woke up so upset over it. In the dream the nurse was telling me all the things they were watching on her and it brought back all those memories from last December when she was in the hospital. As I sit here typing this, tears just started rolling down my cheeks because I was just a bad daughter and it just really, really bites! I feel horrible. I want to call her right now and tell her how much I love her. If only it weren't 1 am! Urgh!

At least in the dream I was trying to make it up to her and I took her Kurt's french toast (we just talked about the french toast with friends tonight so that is why that was in there). Anyone who has had Kurt's french toast knows the specialty that it is and what a treat it would be but still, it wasn't enough.

Thank you sub-consciene - message received! I vow to do better. To call my mom more. To be a better daughter. I am so sorry mom! I love you so much and I will be calling you tomorrow morning; or I guess, later this morning!

The night still possibly holds 5 hours of sleep (if I can get back to sleep).

I wonder what else my sub-conscience has in store for me! Maybe I can have a happy dream now, or a super hero dream. Those are always fun!

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