August 14, 2010

Help! We are so confused!

Kurt always wanted a big family. Being #5 of 6, big to him means 6 (or more). Being #1 of 2, anything more than 2 is big to me. When we got married, we agreed we would aim for 4 and just see how things went.

Well, then we had our first 2 and went "whoa, wait a minute, this parenting thing is a lot more work and a lot harder than we thought. Maybe we are done with 2". And for awhile we were. Then I was the one who initiated the "baby #3" talks. And, well, you know how those went.

After Evan was born, we were both done. Completely, totally satisfied, done.

Done-diddty, done-ditty, done - Done - DONE!

Until he turned 2 and then I started thinking about another. Kurt has been firmly planted in "done" category so he was my foundation when I would get in a baby-wanting phase. At first the phases would only last a brief second - literally my thought would be "I-think-I-want-another-baby-wait-what-am-I-thinking" and it would pass that fast and I wouldn't think of it again for 6 months or so. But over the last 3 years the baby phases have been coming more frequently and lasting longer. We have talked about it A MILLION times and Kurt has remained my reality check and my strong "done" foundation.

Well, about 4 months ago I was sitting at the kitchen table paying bills after we had put the kids to bed and Kurt was sitting with me working on the computer. He looked at me and said "Hey, you know what I've been thinking?" Now usually this comment from Kurt is followed by a new business idea or a new invention where he proceeds to tell me ALL the details. So in my bill-paying-mode, I didn't even look up and said "what".

"I think we should have another baby"

. . . (processing)

. . . (processing)

Seriously, if our life was a movie this is where I would have sat with a deer-in-the-headlights-look and crickets would have been chirping in the background. No one was home. I finally managed:

"I'm sorry, what?!!!!!"

"I've been thinking and I really want to have another baby."

Well, there goes my foundation. So we talked about and we both felt like we should have another baby. WOW! So we decided we would think and pray about it. Then 2 nights later we are all sitting at the table eating dinner and the kids say "we want you to have another baby". Kurt and I just looked at each other like "whoa, that's ironic". So we discussed it at the table. We have names picked out for a boy or a girl and everything. Kurt and I continued to think about the possibility.

About 6 weeks ago we both had a very strong confirmation that we should have another baby. Okey-dokey. Without sharing to much info, our current form of prevention isn't self-reversible so I called and made an appt to go to the dr. but because I am a new patient, I had to wait 2 MONTHS! We thought, ok, this will give us plenty of time to make sure we are totally comfortable with this decision.

Over the last 2 months, the doubts have kicked in. Like: life is easy right now - we can go and do what we want, when we want and we are not tied down with diapers, wipes, bottles, sippy cups, diaper bags, nap schedules, etc. I am actually in a good phase of being able to keep the house clean, dishes done, kitchen clean, floors vacuumed, laundry caught up, etc. Do you know what a baby would do to all that? But those are all selfish reasons and we know those will pass.

It's the big ones - like: how am I supposed to work, homeschool, stay on top of the house, cook meals, and take care of a baby? How much can one person really do?

Then the even bigger one - the business. Work is hard right now. Finding work is even harder. Two weeks ago we didn't have any work again. That never happens in the summer time. And we lost one of best employees who has been with us for over 6 years because we didn't have enough work to keep him busy. Luckily Kurt signed 3 contracts last week and we have work again - for another week or two, then what? I would like the business to be more stable before we add another mouth to feed and clothe. Do you know what I mean?

AHHH, now my appt is in 2 weeks and we don't know what to do. Do we have faith and follow our promptings and hope it will all work out or do we wait until the business is more stable and we know we will continue to have work?

Help me out here people!


Lisa and Brian said...

Follow the prompting. You will be so glad you did. Everything else will work out. Sign me, Mother of almost Six.

Forever Green said...

I agree, follow the prompting. Heavenly Father is giving you the promptings for a reason. He knows the plan. He knows what's to come. We don't have a clue. You guys will be okay. And I'm so excited for Trevor to come! :o) You are great examples of faith and family to me. Love ya!

Melissa said...

Follow the promptings. Heavenly Father will bless you with children when you're supposed to have them. And if you're not, no worries. All 4 of my children were planned, but none of them came when I decided. Sometimes it's just the act of faith. Maybe you don't have more children to come, but just show Heavenly Father you're willing and to trust that he knows best. He knows you. He knows your struggles. He loves you and he'll bless you.