Every once in awhile I do and I have learned that if I just acknowledge it and then ignore it, it will work itself out. Like if I don't feed it, then it goes away.
But this time I am struggling. I just can't shake it. I am trying to be positive. I am trying to be optimistic. I am trying to be funny (and, obviously, not doing so good at that). But nothing is working. I am just "ugh". I feel like I just don't fit or something.
I am pretty sure my exhaustion is the #1 reason that I can't shake it. I am just so tired. I haven't recovered from Trevor's little "hey, let's try not sleeping" routine and then after that we all got the flu. I now have him sleeping from about 8 or 9 pm to about 2 or 4 am so I get a good 5-7 hours of sleep (although, I swear it feels like only 2 or 3 when I wake up). So I would think that I would start feeling "normal" again but no such luck. I don't mind the 2 am or 3 am wake up but it's the 4 or 4:30 one that gets me. It is just so close to when I need to get up that my brain wakes up and kicks on and starts thinking of all the bazillion things I need to do so I end up tossing and turning before I finally drift off to a half sleep at about 5:30 or 5:45 and then I am supposed to be up at 6. Which usually doesn't happen so then I jump out of bed at 6:30 already running behind and our mornings are crazy.
Kurt and I used to have this conversation when the older kids were little:
K: If you could do anything, what would you want to do?
Me: Sleep
K: No, something fun.
Me: Sleep sounds fun.
K: No, we are talking about ANYTHING in the world.
Me: Yep, pretty sure it would be to sleep.
I am back to that point. I just want sleep. So I am sure that my exhaustion is just making everything else seem worse.
The other part of my melancholiness is I miss my mom. I think about her all the time. I know if she was here she would listen to all my petty little life stuff and give me a big hug and tell me it will all work out. And I would feel better. I just want a mom hug.
When she passed away I think I was in a shock / denial / fog state; as I am sure most people are. I knew she was gone but you know how you just really don't grasp it? Then we had the impending birth of baby boy to keep my mind busy. Then adjusting to the new baby. Then the new school year starting with the new school and everything. And even though I thought of my mom all through all of those, I don't think I fully grasped that she was truly gone. Now it is hitting me. Maybe it's because life is settling down a little. Maybe it's because the holidays are coming up. Maybe it's because my dad is dating someone (which is a post for another day). Maybe I am just going crazy.
Maybe it is the fact that I realized the other day that our kids don't have a living grandma. I always looked at it like Kurt and I have both lost our moms but it just hit me to look at it from my kids' point of view. And it really bothers me. Every kid needs a grandma. Who else is going to spoil them? Who else is going to listen to them complain about their crazy mom? Who else is naturally and instinctively invested in their day to day life? My kids have been robbed of both of their grandmas before they even got started. And it makes me really sad. Kurt and I both still having living grandmas but my kids don't. And, honestly, it makes me cry. Grandmas are just special. Their love is special.
But I can't do anything about it so harping on it is only going to make me sad. Like I said, I think the exhaustion is making it worse. So as my mom would say, "this too shall pass." And it will. I just need to keep plugging along.
